02.12.09
“MURALS AROUND THE WORLD” TM
A National Campaign to empower, inspire and bring awareness to the issue of domestic violence in your community.
Making A Difference One Day At A Time
A National Campaign to empower, inspire and bring awareness to the issue of domestic violence in your community.
Karen Zavicar said,
March 8, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Dear Denise
Hi, my name is Karen Zavicar
My husband and myself watched you last night on Huckabee show you had
You see I have been on my own crusade to educate women and children on the issue of Violence.
After getting out of a bad situation in my early 20’s with small children. I decided to educate myself instead of staying and being victim. Now 22 years later have become an instructor in martial arts (TKD) with a 2nd degree going for my 3rd. (I’m also a Nurse and Personal Trainer)
I have developed and copyrighted a program for women and children called “Key Technique”
Everything that is made goes back into the program. The problem that I’m having is I’m a NO BODY. I really need to have someone with a face that everyone knows to help me get this program out to help these women and children.
All the Ladies walk away from the day’s seminar with a Booklet, lectures on CD and 5 DVD’s of material that they learn. It is in a fun safe atmosphere. The children get a coloring book and CD with the stories to lesson to and go over and over again at home with their parents.
My passion is to reach out to as many women and children as possible and in doing this I really don’t care who gets the credit, because the end result will be worth so much more then any amount of money could bring and that is the safety of our women and children.
I can send a copy of the program for review to you, if you would like. (It is not a professional grade, but it is still very good. With no budge you do the best you can with what you have. The material is still of good quality.)
Please respond and help me educate as many women and children as possible.
Regards
Karen Zavicar
Heidi Schnakenberg said,
March 10, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Denise – I have been thinking a lot about you, especially since the recent developments in the Rihanna domestic violence situation. I was happy to find your blog and I hope we hear more from you on this case. So many of us have had our families torn apart by domestic violence and the Rihanna case is painful to watch. Please keep up the good work – we need leaders like you now more than ever.
Kay said,
March 11, 2009 at 1:43 am
I just want to thank you for all of your good work. I saw you today on Larry King and it brought back such memories for me.
I was in a highly abusive marriage, and my ex-husband threatened to kill me on an almost daily basis. Through terrible intimidation, manipulation and control, (it didn’t help that he was a cop) he completely broke me. So much, that I had no self esteem and really didn’t care what happened to myself. When your beautiful sister was so brutally murdered, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. As I watched the news, my only thought was – that will be me, and it will happen soon. That was the day that I left for good.
All these years later, I am amazed at what a different person I am. While the murder of your beautiful sister was a tragedy that I desperately wish never happened, I just wanted you to know that she saved my life.
Lisa Magaziner Dvorkin said,
March 12, 2009 at 4:38 am
Dear Denise,
I watched the CNN show with You and Robin Givens and feel more guilt and lost than before. I have a 19 year old daughter who is in an abusive relationship with a 24 year old who has no job, license or goals. I have been getting professional help so that I can set boundries and deal with this most difficult situation.(Obviously this little girl has dealt with trama, dissapointment, abandoment and abuse).
My daughter will not discuss, listen or even acknowledge there is a problem. Her boyfriend has hit her and she him and you know how the story goes. This last time she even used the police because she was so mad she pressed charges then dropped them. I can’t help her if she won’t help herself. I try to keep the lines of communication open but she lies and then screams at me when she dosen’t like what I or someone is saying about her situation. I have offered therapy/counseling if and when she is ready.
I am terrifyed for her, as she cannot see, that she is worthy of so much more and does not deserve this. She is a beautiful young girl with a wonderful future if only she would allow herself to believe it. This guy is a looser and is only using her. I have told her time and time again LOVE DOSEN”T HURT!
As you are all to aware of of the cycle, she fights, is mad, a few day’s pass, she softens, then I believe she seeks him out. Please guide me as to how I can help her as her mother, she is so angry, has no impulse control, and her father will be of no help except to enable her.
Wanting to help my daughter.
Lisa Dvorkin
Gail Lakritz said,
March 14, 2009 at 10:35 am
Dear Denise,
I live in Williamsburg, VA. The judges here seal the records of abusers who predicate violence against women and children. After going through a divorce that has so far taken over 3 years and being subjected to abuse by his lawyers, judges and his family (pictures of hand prints on my throat did no good in court, his mother got off), I am tired of the blame for violence being heaped on the victim.
I have tapes of 911 calls where the phone cord was yanked from the wall, altered tapes by the police, police telling them what to say and reports that counter what was said. I am tired of the corruption that covers these things up. Yet, there is no where to turn here to expose what they do, and it is happening all over the state. I am not the only one, this is the common practice in these southern courts, by southern police departments, lawyers and judges. The judge sealed his record 5 days prior to the first hearing and 7 days after I told my lawyer that I wanted to file for divorce and custody. The timing is questionable, given the fact that these things are never supposed to have been sealed if there was a resulting divorce/custody action.
I wrote this 2 years ago. It needs to be corrected for spelling and structure, but it is some of what I have gone through and the suffering my son was forced to endure at the hands of these people. His story is repeated over and over here. The story of the use of drugs by these people. Stories like this need to get out and the people involved need to be prosecuted. They love abusers as they can make money off them.
My son started with huffing. Inhaling glues, white out, spray cans, etc. Money was missing from my purse. He was lying and turned from being a good student to failing.
The following narrative is true. I am willing to take any type of test they want to administer to prove it. And there are emails and records that exist to prove what I am saying. And my son is not the only child to go through this in James City County, Virginia, nor will he be the last. We, the mothers, can not get anyone to investigate.
When he was 5, my husband nightly abandoned our bed to sleep with our son. This continued for years. At age 13, our son started huffing because my husband was confiding things to him that no young boy should have to shoulder the responsibility of knowing. He wanted out of the marriage because the only way he could inherit his mother’s money was (in her own words) “if the situation changes.” By 2004, he was fired from his job for anger. At 64, he could not get another. He needed his mother’s money. He had cut off contact with her when she changed her will, leaving her money to charity.
I educated myself (although I had not heard the term huffing, I knew about inhalants). My husband turned his back on it. He denied our son was doing anything. I think he really knew, but was using our son as an excuse. If I said anything about it, I was picking on our son. Than, when my son was high, my husband used his venerability to enlist his help in abusing me.
I finally left the abusive situation, but had no way of supporting myself. I had to leave my son, than 15 with his father. I couldn’t ask him to live with me, because I was not even capable of taking care of myself after the two years of intensive abuse I had gone through. I failed my son. I left him in the enabling situation.
Two weeks after I left, my husband allowed him to go to an all night unchaperoned party with older kids and known drug abusers. There was both booze and drugs present (according to Officer White, the officer of record). Our son committed a felony breaking and entering. He took video games, while other boys took booze. When his father found out, our son told him he broke in to sleep there. To this day, his father believes him. I filed for custody.
Than the pills started. Huffing wasn’t enough. I kept finding things, like tightly rolled-up dollar bills. And our son took to carrying knives, even to school. His father was not allowing me to see our son at that time. At the most, I could only see him for 1 and 1/2 hours every three weeks. Our son was always angry. He would call me names and continued to steal from me. He physically abused me, as his father had done. I am very hard of hearing because his father would put his mouth to my ear and scream as loud as he could. It caused pain, but no physical marks to prove the abuse was taking place. Our son began using this form of physical abuse, too. And
My husband was withholding food from me. I was on the South Beach Diet, but he was withholding the foods I was allowed to have. He said at a $1, “cauliflower costs too much” and “you don’t need to buy enough meat for three people, 2 pieces will do.”
One day, in mid 2006, 9 months after I left, I found 6 Limictal pills on my son. I called the police. He downed the pills and had to be rushed to the hospital. He tested positive for cocaine and heroin. I later found out that he had had a sandwich type baggy full of the pills the night before. The boy who saw him with them said that if he told the police, his parole officer (the boy cleaned himself up from drugs, worked a study job and went to school) would have him arrested. When I talked to the other kids, I found out that my husband regularly dropped our son off at the apartment complex where I lived with bottles of beer and vodka. These were not the times my son came to visit me.
The morning I found the pills, I first tried to call my husband several times, but he had the answering machine come on and automatically disconnect me. I finally drove to the house. When there, I recorded our conversation. He said he had had our son tested for drugs once, and was not going to pay for it again. While we were in the emergency room, my son admitted to using pot every night. I wish I had had the tape recorder on me at the time. His father told him that he would get him diet pills and anti-depressants if he wanted them.
Than the drug counselor from Bacon Street showed up. I was still in my night cloths. (It is stated in the hospital records that I left to change.) I was only able to introduce myself to her and tell her that I needed to go home to change as I had an appointment after our son was due to be released. In her report, she states that she spoke to me and determined that I am an abuser. We had no conversation.
In June, 2005, my husband was arrested and found guilty of abuse. The system in James City County, Virginia, is set up to protect the abuser. He went to anger management, but not the first set of classes, he waited for a set that was led by Lauren Council. He was also told to attend substance abuse for his drinking. He went to one meeting. He was declared cured after only that one session. I believe that the session was with Ann Tramer. His files were sealed.
At this point, I have to admit, when we were together, I drank too. I was drowning the hurt. I stopped drinking 2 weeks after leaving the house. In court, my husband admits to still drinking nightly.
Before I left the situation, my husband attempted to replace the mother figure in our son’s life. One of those women was a person who’s son was a known drug user. Her older son had dropped out of school and drifted through life. She would buy our son cigarettes. My husband would not do anything about it. He refused to admit that she was not a person our son should hold as a role model. She was using pain killers. The night that led to his arrest, he sent our son to her house. I now think that it was his plan to kill me that night. He said he was going to when he attacked me.
For eleven months we were locked in the custody battle. The whole time, our son was also on probation for the breaking and entering. And than the break ins of my home began. All were reported to the police, but they did nothing. The only things missing was evidence against my husband. In order to do the break ins, he had to enlist my son’s help. Someone drove the car while he did the actual crime. There is a police report stating that an eyewitness saw him enter my property while his car sped away. And I found a set of his car keys in my front yard. I have a receipt for them. He was making our son an accessory to a crime. If our son admitted it, being on probation, he would go to jail. Our son sank deeper into drugs.
During the custody hearings, my husband continually said in court that our son did not have a drug problem. The Guardian ad Litem never once admitted that he had one. During the custody hearing, we were ordered to enter family counseling. My husband refused to attend.
Enter Ann Tramer. I went to Colonial Health. Our son was supposed to go to Bacon Street. Instead, Ann Tramer took his case personally. Before that first session, my husband and I sat in the waiting room as he whispered hurtful things to me. It upset me and my son. I went into her office and was present while she “tested” his drug knowledge. She pulled out a magazine that had pictures of spray cans and glues and such. They were all clearly labeled. She asked him if he recognized any of the objects. That was his test. The verdict, positive, and I was the cause.
During her sessions with him, she would not say “How do you feel about your mother?” but things like “You hate your mother, don’t you?” During that time, she would only administer tests for pot, not a full drug strip. He tested positive for pot on three occasions, the maximum number of positive tests allowed by the courts.
During the court hearings, the GAL, George B. Pearson, told the judge that because I wanted our son off drugs, I was militaristic. Because I had never been in trouble with the law (my husband is a felon) I was overly law abiding, because I go to church 2 or 3 times a year, I am a religious fanatic, because I wanted to stop my son to stop lying and stealing and return to doing his homework, I was an abuser. And my son kept sinking into the drugs.
During this time, he was not only seeing Ann Tramer, but began seeing Lauren Council as well. Mr. Council was supposed to report to the courts, but never did. Ann Tramer did, however. She perjured herself. The proof exists. I also have a tape of her saying that it was unethical for her to continue to see our son for 8 weeks after he started seeing Lauren and that the Guardian ad litem lied in court.
Suddenly, in November, my husband got “religion”. He admitted in court that our son had a drug problem. I lost the battle. I was not allowed to have my son for more than a few hours, and than not when I could take him to a mental health provider.
On New Year’s Eve, 2006, I saw my husband smoking pot. He does not smoke cigarettes, but he was smoking and holding the article in a manner that was indicative of pot.
The next day, on New Year’s Day, 2007, my son was shot with his father only feet away. It was kept from me. The shooter was the older son of the woman my husband tried to replace me with in our son’s life. According to my son, my husband knew the loaded gun was in the house. He was giving refuge to the 21 year old as his step- father had kicked him out. Thank whomever, the bullet passed cleanly through my son’s leg.
Now, the reader would be asking, why relate this story? It shows how the system down here uses the children. The lawyers and the courts use the children to help the person with the deepest pockets win in a divorce case. Drugs are a blessing to them. They can use it to point the finger away from the truth. The only way we can possibly get an investigation into the system, is to publish our stories wherever we can, in hopes that enough of the public voices cries out for investigation and forces it to happen. I am not the only one. Tulane University, the ACLU and scores of other well respected institutions admit that it is happening, but none have the resources to investigate. Our children are not disposable.
There is a lot more to our story. It would be too long to publish here.
As Ann Tramer said to me, “He will remember the truth one day.” I will not be around to pick up the pieces. He will continue the abuse he has learned. He will either turn to drugs again, or worse. Either way, he will kill himself.